“All things that truly matter - beauty , love , creativity ,joy , inner-peace - arise from beyond the mind .”

I met a girl in December of 2013, we became friends. It wasn't until May 2015 that something happened.

A feeling was born within me, Now. 
This feeling wasn't one of lust, nor love.. yet i couldn't describe it without using those exact words.
This feeling, sparked a journey which will be the cause of these 50 drawings.

Her beauty spoke to me, it whispered, "Worship Me" 
Her beauty is like of Venus 
With the bravery of the grey-eyed goddess
Loyalty as that of Hera's. -May 15th, 2015.

Untitled #2 
Journal entry:

This woman will always make a devil out of me
One cannot truly understand her
She speaks with riddles as those from the sphinx 
She is worth 50 shades ©
-May 16, 2015

Untitled #3 "See, she shields her emotions.
I think of her as a maiden that hides what she truly feels.

Only shows it when it is absolutely needed. (Her name is a riddle)
I can relate to her very much. 👀 do not stare 
She means a lot to me.
More than most maidens 
But like Odysseus, 
I cant give into her electrifying siren-like beauty. (You'll loose yourself)

The 🌜represents me"
-May 16, 2015

I began caring for her... wanting to fix something that maybe wasn't broken

Untitled #4

"People think of her as being high maintaince. 
Her vibrant energy seems to project that into the minds of those who cannot understand her.

I'm starting to believe that the girl I'm drawing is just a fragment of the desires of my mind, is she this real? 
There are no feelings of lust, yet i crave her. 
Is this the light of desire Matisse spoke about?"
Worship her ©

How could you want someone without wanting them? I began realizing maybe she's more alike to me than anyone else currently in my life. 
 

Untitled #5

 "It's a soar of anger,
Empty flow less thoughts dominate her.

It's the truth that hurts her.
An unbalanced enigma.

Pain bursting louder than that of atlas.
A shit show today wasn't it? 
She replied, 'I dont know'." © 
May 22nd, 2015. 
We both had pretty bad days, it seems that we're both secretly guarding our unhappy emotions.
Can a friendship be built this way? 
I remember saying to myself "id do anything to make her happy" and oh god, i sure would. 

Untitled #6 "This dance has no name.
It is a dance of lust. 
She moves swiftly like a butterfly.
Her voice makes those who hear it full with madness.

You'd imagine her to glorify herself,
But she doesn't.

She makes you tremble,
Why would such a goddess step down from her throne?

She is full of pride, that pride however would blind one.
'Ojos de passion', will she be blinded?" - No Date ©

I have met many beautiful girls, but she is different. She isn't full of herself.
This is very important. 
This is when i began seeing into her heart, something VERY few have done. Things would never be the same. 

Untitled #7 "Is there a lack of color here?
She decides to dance her own ways.
The multitude of her 'shell' is immense. 
Last night she stated 'He isn't worthy to know whats beneath my shell.' But do i even know what's beneath it? She sings like a child at play, what is it that you hide so closely? 
Where is all the excitement you blind your lover with?

What dance do you show him?
Is it a dance of lust?

This is no romance.
This is something else." © -5/29/2015 8:39 
I became aware she hides her true emotions. Her lovers weren't even worthy of this "truth". It made me think, will i be? 

Untitled #8 

"She's like a bright violet in June
Half hidden from the eye
She hides in the fields that no moral men dare to roam.
One could hear her whispers of lust flowing in the winds through the field, through the Lilies and Daises of June.
A heart grown old, cold and blue in grain vain 
the lost of a lovely maiden dulls a young man 
The great lost of his lovely maiden blinds him 
And now the winter evening settles down 
Sunlight perpetrates his marks of weakness, marks of woe.
This dance has no name; It is a dance of lust
Planting his steadfast footsteps through the field
Alone and aloud his weeping strikes the presence of she, who is like a bright violet in June.
Her moves are swiftly, like a butterfly who has resurrected The wind swoons around the young man
Her voice warms him like a summer fire
"Shall i welcome you?" The gaze of the two strangers meet
Without disclosure, the maiden of the field flees "His gaze poisons my heart with a flaming love; this immortal feeling i must endure" 
The young man goes hither "I too suffer young maiden"
His vanity requires no response
That is when the lovely woman stoops to folly and paces to his company again
Both had fallen under an aphrodisiac spell; 
The young man dared not to hide his desire within
The bright violet of June held the young man, with reason of love and lust, she hideth his half from the eyes of others.
Now she reigns the fields in blue nights through the gold of the day with a love worthy of her hidden halve." -May 24, 2015

Summer was approaching, everything in life was blooming with purpose. My friendship with her had reached a new phase, question was, would she bloom as well?

Untitled #9 

"As the days go by, one behind to wonder, what does this maiden hide from the eyes of 'unworthy' souls.

I ponder on whether i wish to know or not. 
Will i dare to sing her song & dance her dance?

She is like a gypsy, playing a luring melody so seductive

Even the sirens themselves would not dare resist." I had began to portray what i saw within, instead of without. 
Her beauty had reached a new phase within me, i had began indulging myself in her beautiful landscapes. 
This optimism however.. wouldn't last long..

Untitled #10 

"Trust me she won't care.
Blistering Beauty has no care.

Her words will teach you a new dance.
Lure you in like a siren, only to devour you like a jungle cobra.

One glare at her lips, witness your seduction, your fall." -June 23, 2015

My best friend passed away on June 3rd, on her birthday. I was devastated, i never looked at beauty the same way. 
It impacted the way i perceived what is beauty, thus, this portrait, of only a nose and lips. 
Beauty would forever change. 

Untitled #11

 "She can be quite unpredictable,
Some things you cant always know.

At times she hides her beauty like the moon hides after it's full.
Other times she shows herself dazzling as beautiful as the morning sun.

Momentarily she hides, it's best to wait for her call
She's unpredictable." -No date

It was at this moment, i witnessed her beauty.. not physical.. but rather internal. i wanted to see more of her inner beauty. it wasn't until untitled #12that i would once again receive that peek. 
I dont know what it was, but seeing a peek of what was within her, it motivated me to draw her more than ever. The desire grew. I couldn't describe what i felt for her.. not yet.

Untitled #12 

"I saw you turn into stone,
It is as if Aphrodite had drained your rosy-pink beauty.

It is as if the dances of Matisse had tangoed with the melancholy skies of el Greco.

Dear beauty, dont turn into stone, dont look back your shoulders.
Uplift your spirit, uplift your mindset. Dont turn into stone"
-No date

My eyes have seen you, and it was beautiful.
From this point on, her beauty had become unparalleled, she inspired me to see within.

Untitled #13 
Remember-me-not, Dear Flower. 
"You've made my thoughts so primitive, so nude.
Your dance has made me mad with passion.

An insane passionate viewer.
Your curves fill me with lust, maiden.

Dont hide any longer,
Reveal your love as i will to you."
7/13/2015 
Isn't she so beautiful? Like a goddess manifested into a human body, her glamouring beauty.
This would be the last time her beauty would shine the same way..

Untitled #14"Nothing is what it seems"

"O Muse,
Why do you make me do this to you?

Beauty, dear beauty
You disappoint me.

This isn't what beauty is.." © -July 10th 
Perhaps i saw too much, how could someone so beautiful be so destructive? So negative?
I couldn't withhold my emotions, sooner or later, i had to reveal what i truly saw In her.

Regardless, my quest for true beauty wouldn't stop here. 

Untitled #15 

"O Maiden, i can upon ye
but ignorance is all i drown in.

Tears shed as one feels the light, the truth hurts.

With pain, however, comes change & that my maiden, is exactly (cuts off)
You Pushed Me!
How selfish can you be?!
You are making me do this maiden." - July 7th, 2015

I found great comfort in Her beauty, on paper. In person she neglected me, i felt used, as though she saw me as a worthless peasant.
My anger grew, my lines and gestures grew as well, resulting in a series of captivating inner beauty through external features.

Untitled #16 

"Eyes are said to be the windows to the soul.
Are you afraid of what you will see?
I've glimpsed into her eyes,
Now i dont think i can stop staring." -August 13th, 2015 ©

I witnessed the beautiful side of her heart as well as the equal destructive side. I began to care for her more, trying to understand her.. I could relate to her nature, we were much more alike than i realized. . I felt it, we were both in pain. 

Untitled #17 

"To love her is to want her everywhere" "I'm beginning to suspect, to wonder what this dance is all about.

We disagree on a lot of things, yet despite the external afflictions, there's an internal bond happening.

I see a large part of myself in her.. My feelings for her.. they're evolving again.. i feel different." -August 13th, 2015 ©

I accepted our differences, she was cold. I showed her as much affection as i could yet she stood there as cold as a statue. I continued to shower her with affection, hoping her sculpture-like heart would give warmth back, i wondered, was that something i was ready for?

Untitled #18 "Have i been drawing the wrong girl all along?

Moral men might see you as Aros looked upon psyche, but i see different.

Your beauty is great, it is remarkable.
You are beautiful as can be, your skin is as fair as Aphrodite's.
(So tender)
Your hair is as strong as your loyalty.
You are ruling, one can look with settlement upon you, but only to be stricken by your swiftly move of lust.
(To know her is to love her)

Your beauty is Tender, but what exactly lies inside? 
I must know" - 8/30/2015 © 
Little by little this girl became a form of ecstasy to me, her touch, her smell became serotonin to my mind.
I could no longer hold back, i decided to draw her as my heart saw her, yet the logical mind was loud, trying to tell me "no you cant be with this person she isn't good for you" 
Yet my heart was full poise being at her presence. 
It was the raw honest truth that would continue to inspire me to draw her, i saw her as i wanted to, in my sketchbook reality isn't real.. i even began to ponder "am i beginning to make up this amazing beautiful girl?" I must look within her, i wanted to see who she really was at the heart, i saw her as a tender maiden, for now.

Untitled #19 

 

"Dont Disappear on me, you're on my mid a lot.

One can only ponder, perhaps even be afraid if you're disappearing.
Such gracious beauty, got you on my mind.

Radiant lips, roxy-pink cheeks, none can compare to thy beauty, can they?

Your features lure me into a daydream state, you're no ones.

One can however only dream away that a grave like you could belong to someone" - 8/31/2015 ©

It was the end of august, she had been gone for a few weeks. 
I spent about a month without her presence, yet i couldn't help but draw her, it brought comfort to me in many ways, i decided to unconditionally care about her, hoping she'd never leave me.

Untitled #20 

"Life imitates art" "You are beautiful,
What else do you hide?
Inner beauty is endless, you are a queen to my mind, although you are hundreds of miles away from me, your beauty radiates like the blazing sun, it makes me want to dance in circles around you." -8/17/2015 ©

After my best friends death, i resided in Berkeley for a few weeks, feeling broken and torn inside out, the only thing sustaining me was art. 
The ability to capture beauty in such a dark time was healing.
Unfortunately, she kept returning to old lovers, which made me fearful, i wanted to draw her better, i wanted to be good enough for her, so that maybe, just maybe i could receive the comfort that i solely desired from her.
My feelings for her were one of compassion, all of my friends continued to tell me she was no good for me yet i continued to see a light in her, a light of comfort and soon something more.

Untitled #21 "Rigid present emotions"

Yet again, you've served to help me further my understanding of myself.
Oh muse,
Dear muse,
I praise your lovely meadows which serve and flow as your mind.
shape shifting beauty, grace of Washington herself.
i adore you.
Mythical curves of your body, i am lost in them.
Not even Odysseus would be able to navigate out of your beautiful landscapes girl." -September 1, 2015 ©

Disillusioned, afraid & vulnerable i felt for weeks, even months after the death of my yellow Aphrodite.
I couldn't bear the pain, however in my muse's curves and meadows, i found inner peace.
With pain, comes great change.

Untitled #22
"Taste poison to believe its toxic" "the strive for the truest form of self-expression must follow the spiritual path. 
This great beauty, however, is my beginning of non-representational self expression by the method of observing. 
Her lisps provoke your light, it is a lustful red, shinning loudly where one is forced to kneel before her striving force of love. 
Yes, this maiden is capable of so. 
Would a cool have to taste poison itself to believe it is toxic? 
Her toxic is nectar to few, the exception of myself, i truly believe any moral man who dares to withhold her words of sorrow and lust, is and will be brought into the state of mind of a lotus flower." -No Date ©

She returned, her essence was a subtly different. 
This song, is how my mind body and soul felt, beginning to realize how much i truly adored her, it was the decision, should i resist or let myself go to her siren-like beauty?
Her words of sorrow afflicted my heart, how do you care for someone who's draining the positive out of you? 
It was a dance with a cobra, gentle yet toxic. 
Her beauty continued to inspire me, regardless of how negative she was at times, i knew it was because she was in pain, and i knew i had to be there for her

Untitled #23

"She's purely breathing marble stone.
Her sharp angles, hypnotizing eyes.

One cannot resist, but to glare at her ancient beauty, a look would bring the mind into the whirlpool of serene lust. 
Her eyes are as deep as a blue Enamel. Skin tender with a hint of gold. 
Aros is certainly always on the watch. A feel of her fair skin, burns your soul with a strong flame, melts you with sweet pain. 
You will turn into marble stone, white, now red. Amazed and bashed, she possesses godlike beauty. 
Oh surely, Medea serves her." 9/24/2015 ©

Perhaps she wasn't as poisonous as i assumed her to be, her face once more began to morph in my mind. 
She had a sculpture-like face, yet it glowed with life. 
This feeling, by now it was a sort of desire to have her, not as in a relationship, but just know that i meant something special to her. 
This, led me to see the grace inside of her. A step closer to truly knowing what true beauty is. 

Untitled #24
"I dont need any other lover" "Something about you, someone like you. My dear muse, why do you amaze me so much? 
Consistently i am taught a lesson by you, you help me see things for what they truly are.
When the fragrance of your beauty lures me, my lungs are filled with fire, only to exhale pure desire. 
My heart is full with poise when i draw you. 
My hands cannot resist being dazzled by your god-like beauty.
Your melody is a sweet one, i will cherish you and document this feeling my muse." -No date ©

For a second, she froze, the world paused. And for this one second, i experienced her beauty like never before. I felt as though i needed no other lover.
Her features appeared as if Michelangelo had carved her and painted by Van Gogh! 
As i had stopped resisting her, i found myself wanting to be around her more and more. This however, would lead into a new phase of our dance. 

Untitled #25"The corresponding outer beauty just reflect the inner beauty one cannot but be reminded of Matisse's 'Portrait de Marguerite' (1906-1906). Redefining beauty, what does she look at with such tremendous energy? Yellow and orange help represent a sort of lust, playful but present. 
The sirens have taught her, like Helen herself, this lovely maiden has the potential to launch 1,000 ships. 
Her afflict the mind, mortal men have no power but to surrender to this Circe. 
Daughter of Athena, bravest as one can be be, when will you show me your true colors?" -Oct 12, 2015

In my mind, she became a beacon of hope. She's leading me to understand the nature of beauty, to perceive beauty differently. 
i felt her warmth cooling down, i needed more comfort. i am addicted to her fire.